OMG! Exclusive first pics of Eva Mendes and Ryan Gosling’s BABY!


Eva Mendes and Ryan Gosling are having a baby. Together. This means that they had sex. Together. And all the ladies in all the lands pulled out their hair and gnashed their teeth. They took to the streets in droves, in drooling, bestial desolation as they laid waste to pint after pint of Cherry Garcia and Chunky Monkey. They burned Glamour magazine spreads of Eva in effigy. They hacked their Notebook Blurays into shards with ice picks.

Did these desperate women really think they ever had a chance with the Ryan Gosling? How pathetic. Gag.

And anyways, you zombie tramps, Ryan is mine, mine, ALL MINE!

Oops. Did I type that out loud?

I mean, sure. Is it cruel, in the most fundamental sense of the word, that two people so divinely gorgeous would ever get together to start? Yes. Is it completely unfair that they fell in love and formed a relationship? Yes. Is Satan’s very hand at the helm of our woes as we rub our little eyes and see that Ry Ry and Ev had [shhh] “sexy time” together? Affirmative.

But what did we expect, ladies? That Ryan would trade in glowing mocha skin and a beauty mark for visible pores and budding lip stubble? Did we think he would downgrade from couture to yoga pants smattered with boogers about knee-high? Can we blame Ryan for being besotted by glimmering white teeth vs. chops tarnished by coffee and red wine? And the bosoms…the perky, glorious bosoms…Let’s not go there, m’kay?

It’s easy to be a hater. Haters gonna hate, as the saying goes. But when I did some really shallow and superficial profound soul-searching on the Eva-Ryan development during my morning scrolling on my phone with coffee meditation, it hit me.

The world can be ugly – so very ugly sometimes. But it can be beautiful – breathtakingly so. So instead of hating Eva (because I can’t. I just can’t. OMG, she’s so beautiful and seems like a nice person from all of my hardcore research from secondary and tertiary non-academic sources such as Twitter and US Weekly), and wishing their baby would be really ugly, I started to wonder what their little bean sprout might actually look like. I thought of their individual beauty, and their collected exquisiteness, and suddenly I wanted the best for them. Because seeing the incarnation of Grecian gods and goddesses makes far too striking a site for my own martyrdom. I want them to be beautiful. Together. So that I might look upon them and their new cherub, exhausted, with a Hot Wheels in one hand, and a sippy cup in the other, and know – by God, someone out there has their shit together on the red carpet.

Suddenly, among my positive, philosophical thoughts, a divine vision came unto thee and I was shown the spawn of Eva Mendes and Ryan Gosling.

I was told to share this good news with the world! So, brace yourselves. I have just scooped US Weekly. SPOILER ALERT: you are about to see actual images of Eva and Ryan’s future child.

If it’s a girl:


If it’s a boy:


If it’s twins:


So Eva, dear. You can have my Ryan…our Ryan. Together, you are meant to impart your beauty upon this earth and within this great universe, and your offspring shall glimmer from the screens and shine from the pages of various media outlets to provide the required dose of stunning beauty and grace the rest of us need to just keep going.

May your love inspire us to look inward to our own lives and loves – to our own Ryan Goslings, with beards and calloused hands, who leave whiskers on the sink and pee stains on the toilet, but who mow our yards and load our dishwashers. Let us rejoice in our own lives that show us a different kind of beauty – one that lives below the surface of Fendi bags, small pores, and smooth tresses – that provides all that we need and more, in the small moments happening on nasty crumb-strewn carpets, not red ones.

Because the world is beautiful, and my sweatpants are quite comfy.


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